If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
You Might Also Like
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My favorite female superhero
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.