Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
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burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.