Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks