date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
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NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.