I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.