My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
when you are just born a rebel
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.