Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point