I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.