[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
You Might Also Like
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”