I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I know this now 😂
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
a fate I wish upon no one
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me