13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star