*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
You Might Also Like
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Pikachu found the lost joint
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*