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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.