I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
every. time.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT