Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
the three branches of government
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.