37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup