*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA