Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Cucumbers Anonymous
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*