I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
You Might Also Like
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
new wife guy just dropped
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Saturday
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter