Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I didn’t realize that was an option
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select