Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
crochet youtube is brutal