What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.