Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck