Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Noted.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
6: are snakes just neck?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.