So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
don’t we all
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house