Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
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I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles