What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*