[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
You Might Also Like
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.