I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”