“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Tear gas is the saddest gas.