Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
selfie game
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.