Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
You Might Also Like
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
wish me luck lads
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
That’s fair
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good