If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.