“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
You Might Also Like
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
That’s what I call a flat tire
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.