Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
buys donuts instead
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor