I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity