My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
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I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.