A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.