Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too