Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.