You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
❤️🦆
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically