Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I am having an out of money experience.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Did a trash talking tree write this?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.