If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive