Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I hope it’s French Onion!
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*