If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw