4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.