*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
That de-escalated quickly
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.