Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Risking my life for fun.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
This is painfully accurate 😅
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?