[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.