I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Does it…does it take 3 days
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne